Top 3 Reasons Why Men Don't Get Any

I promise I won't be lewd. Again, I'm here to be fun and peaceful.

For centuries men have been preoccupied by the mere possibility of getting women into the bedroom. The ancient Greek play of Aristophanes, Lysistrata, was far ahead of its time on describing how women used sex to rule. Nineteenth century pianist Franz Liszt had women swooning after his performances. Rumour has it that he used his magnetism to score, or at least he could have. Women were understandably attracted to the power exuded by our modern day heroes, like Pres. John F. Kennedy and Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

Men don't have to be famous to get some. So why aren't our modern day men getting any? I've narrowed it down to three things based on my experience as a wife for the second time.

1 - Plopping. My husband comes home from work and plops all over the house. He plops on the bed for hours. He plops in front of the t.v. forever. I guess the only place he doesn't plop is in the kitchen. Can a sistah get some help with the chores? I don't ask much, but what about that 10' tall garbage?

2 - Talking. Men talk themselves out of sex more often than not. My husband starts the evening with 'Am I going to get tonite?' 'Will I be getting?' (The noun is missing because English is his second language, but stupidity is universal). Don't ask. Let it flow.

3 - Stalking. Since I take care of my mother's household and mine, I end up washing and ironing every day. I work a job, visit her, and come home at night weighted down with bags and crap. Does my husband help me up the stairs and into the house? Once a month, to his credit, he'll bumb-rush me as I'm exiting my car. He sits down at the end of our street, out of sight, and races into the driveway like a knight. Clearly he wants some, but where are you on the other nights?

Don't get me wrong. There are some things about my husband that are quite endearing. He has a great sense of humour. Infrequently he will prepare food from his native land. He pays bills. But HE SLEEPS PAST NOON ON WEEKENDS when the rest of us are up working inside and outside of the property.

Listen men, sleeping all day is un-American to me. Until I remarried I never knew such people even existed! Get your asses up. Stop asking for sex. Don't plop until you've at least emptied the garbage. And don't stalk us just to get us. Be consistent with your loving care.

The plopping, stalking, talking (AND SLEEPING ALL FREAKIN' DAY) must stop!

Pinhead Et Le Myth de Sisyph

Don't worry. It won't be a French lesson, but it WILL be funny. I promise.

Let's see. Where can I start? Oh, I know! I am now living the absurd life that I swore I never would:

-Creditors are hunting me down. (That's what they think anyway).
-I'm dissatisfied with the 40 hours I spend doing you-know-what, not to mention an almost one hour commute one-way.
-I sometimes allow my unhappiness to roll into the lives of those I love most.
-I've spent countless hours and countless dollars on internet systems that have netted me $60 at the most.
-As a matter of fact, I've modified my goal into becoming a quarter of a millionaire!

Yet in spite of it all, I know I can and will be happy on my own terms. I never wanted to live life like that guy in the Myth of Sysiphus. He was that Greek guy condemned to roll a boulder up a mountain, only to have it roll back to the bottom. Then he'd have to start the whole absurd process over again.

While Albert Camus' take was that Sisyphus must be happy, because he freely understood that absurdity was his doom; I DISAGREE! In spite of it all I can still find happiness in the concept of Pinhead, derived from the Latin or Greek: Pinheadeus Maximus.

Pinhead was first used by my father on his grandson, my son. For his own son, my brother, he reserved the name Hoghead. When we lost our father, I began referring to both my brother and son as Pinheads. Got it? And when they do something ultra-stoopid and yeah, I can spell. I said STOOPID. Women know what I'm talking about. Then the ascribed nickname is modified to Pinheadeus Maximus.

I have learned to enlarge my vision of happiness at the expense of family members, especially of my younger brother. Why? Because it tickles me, and I need to be tickled. Here are the rest of his names:

-Oompmanougatcentre - It's a lengthy reference to his head. I promised when we were children that, if I ever married and had any, they would call him.
-Uncle Oomp - Yep, my children were probably in middle school when they found out Oomp wasn't his real name!
-RevRoomp - We spent the 4th of July at our mom's rehab facility. Guess who had to say grace for that huge gathering? And you have to roll that second 'r'.
-The Oompster - Yeah. A derivative of the name even followed him into the USAF.
-Sir Lancelot - And since he learned so much doctor stuff in the military, guess who LANCED his own ass boils last year? With a mirror, of course.
BluntForceTrauma - Whenever my children or my niece and nephew would get into trouble, Uncle Oomp would lecture them with force. The children, now grown, tell me the would have preferred whippings. Yes, he speaks his mind bluntly, no if ands or buts; a gift he inherited from his father.
-Nip Tuck/E. D. - I had the pleasure of waiting on my brother after minor surgery. Since I don't know what he had, I had to formulate new names for the ocassion. Erectile dysfunction, yeah!

So when you're feeling blue, feel free to look at my life. If it weren't for the Pinheads, life would truly suck!
-

Sunshine and Rain

There's a popular Frankie Beverly and Maze hit with the hypnotic refrain 'Joy and pain, sun-shine and rain,' a pretty apt description of life itself. I mention this not to be jejune or even deep, but for the purpose of illustrating a point to CHEER YOU UP. I promise.

Two weeks before the second anniversary of my father's death, I was seized by an uncontrollable, overwhelming bout of grief that I had not experienced since the day of, and the days leading up to, the funeral. I was so distraught that I considered calling in sick. Not slick leave, sick leave.

Here is what the Lord laid on my heart that day: 'I will help you pull yourself together because, when you get to work, someone will be especially glad to see you.' I was mystified but, of course, I was able to gather my wits and dress for work.

Every work day, after an hour or so, I roll over into the next aisle just to sneek a peek and say hello. When I got to this person's desk, she stood up smiling and gave me a hug! ' - - -, I'm so glad to see you!' As I've said before, even if you dislike the job, there ought to be SOMEBODY there that you can talk to. If there isn't, please - - - find somebody quickly.

This lady, whom I've not even know for that long, reached out and touched me in a special way without even knowing it. I like to think it was God's plan to help me past the gut-wrenching grief I couldn't seem to control. If I had called in sick, God would have had to formulate a new plan to counter the one I messed up!

I've always called this lady my Sis-tah and more importantly, my Sunshine. As a matter of fact she reminds me of one of my best friends from high school, Merideth. Thank you, my Sunshine. And to the rest of you, God has put a links at the job to help you through, if you're open to finding them.

I'll Still Dread the Job AFTER the 4th of July

'Happiness is like a butterfly which, when pursued, is always beyond our grasp, but, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you.'

Nathaniel Hawthorne

As we near the end of the 4th of July holiday weekend, you may begin thinking about the job, and dreading that inevitable return on Monday. I'm here to help you take the edge off.

One of many things I've utilized to temper that hate-hate relationship I have with the job is to spread my own brand of what my children call 'lame' sunshine in my own way. I have nicknamed all of my group members except for the one who came with her own already in place. Here goes:

Fearless leader, Out of Office/Auto Reply - These 2 names I assigned to the manager whom I like, for a change. Whenever I send her an e mail and she is present, I get this 'out of office/auto reply' response.

My Girl - My Girl is assistant to the manager and often has to serve in the uncomfortable position of being a buffer between the manager and employees. She probably doesn't know it, but she's also my therapist and vice-president of the all-you-can-eat Brownie Club. I am the club's president.

One Sheet - Our office job results in the use of lots and lots of paper, except for this guy, one of my oldest and dearest friends. He is like a brother to me, always a gentleman, a church man, a family man; and always spreading good cheer. It's amazing that he confines all of a day's work to One Sheet, no more than 2, at the end of any given day.

Fassie aka Ms. Thang-a-lang - This is the black history expert of the group. And when I say she's fast, I mean she has a seductive quality about her that the men find hard to resist. I like giving her the evil eye when I see her socializing in the workplace. What the heck? She can't help it. The men are captivated.

The Question Man - This guy is so bright and seems to quickly grasp difficult concepts in a comprehensive and highly technical job; and he's relatively new. He earned his name by asking questions that he has already thoroughly researched. It can be annoying and endearing. Get well soon!

Lil Kim - Like Fassie, Lil Kim balances being a college student with gainful employment. She is intelligent and oh so quiet. In other words she's absolutely nothing like the rapper!

Daughter-in-law - I picked her especially for my son. She is a no nonsense girl who doesn't take any junk from anyone. She'd be just perfect for my time-to-get-out-of-my-house son.

Aretha aka En Vouge - This girl commands respect with quiet dignity and class. She slices the rudest customers down to size and leaves them whimpering like puppies. Unfortunately most of the callers are too unintelligent to even know they've been 'dissed'.

My Child - This one earned the name because she reminds me so much of my own child. She absolutely detests that I would even say this, and that makes her more dear. She is brilliant, well-educated and knowledgeable on many subjects without being a snob. I like these qualities, because I, too, possess the same qualities; BUT I can be a real -ss about it.

My Cherie Amour - She is another of the smart young girls. She smiles and hugs me every day. I admire her greatly for successfully battling some major health challenges.

The Sisterhood:

My Sunshine - She is so dear to me and always so cheerful! Along with the other two sisters (below), she helps us to keep the young girls in line. I plan to devote a full blog just to her, because she is special to me personally.

Ms. T/Smileawhile - T came on board with her nickname already in place. She, too, spreads her own brand of cheer with her smile AND with her culinary skills.

Miss Cleo (Call me now for a psychic reading) - Don't let the nickname fool you. It has nothing to do with psychic anything. KB will have to reveal this one herself!

So you may hate the job, but find somebody to love there. It is possible. It is

'doable'. And until God moves you out, it can make that job bearable!

Peace!